


Dormitory Stairs

by PunkArsenic



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, M/M, Other, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-27
Updated: 2015-06-27
Packaged: 2018-04-06 12:44:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4222188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PunkArsenic/pseuds/PunkArsenic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black has to face the facts about their gender after a run in with the stairs.</p><p>cw for the f slur reclaimed, transphobia, abusive mothers implied</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dormitory Stairs

**Author's Note:**

> there are some references to my fic about remus coming out as bi (one in three wizards)

Sirius Black whistled as he jogged back to the Gryffindor common room and up the dormitory stairs. Remus had arranged to meet under the Quidditch stands in five minutes, and they has not had more than a moment alone in weeks.

   He swung his jacket off as he climbed, and began to pull off his tie as he pushed the door open. He was greeted by four screaming girls. He screamed back, pulling out his wand, "What are you doing in my room?"

  "Your room? This is our room!" a tall 6th year snapped. Sirius looked around, coming to the dreadful realisation that the air smelt unfamiliarly sweet, it was far cleaner, and the view was entirely different, "How did you get into the girls dormitory?"

  He stared at her, slack jawed, for a moment, before he dashed down the stairs, making sounds like he was falling down a slide as he went.

   He ran straight to the pitch, checking his breath and tucking his hair behind his ears as he went. He had just remembered something crucial - something terrible.

 

Sirius shoved James, "It was your idea, you go first!" The four Marauders stood huddled at the foot of the stairs to the girls dormitory, James strode forward. He jumped about on the balls of his feet and ran a hand through his hair, readying himself, until Sirius shoved him again, "We haven't got all day!"

  James gave him a rude gesture, then ran up the stairs two at a time. Four steps up, they became a slide that flung him onto his back. Everyone laughed.

   James jumped to his feet and bowed, "Okay! Four's the number to beat," the slide transformed once more to stairs, "Padfoot?"

  "Oh no," Sirius stepped back, "I'm going last, see what I'm up against."

  "Okay, fine, Wormtail! Up you go!" James dragged the boy to the front, "If you make it up, tell me what Lily's dorm looks like!"

  "Creep!" Remus and Sirius goaded. Peter swung his arms to and fro, then jumped up the stairs, which changed the second he touched them.

  "Too bad, Pettigrew, too bloody bad," James shook his head, smiling. "Remus! You're next!"

    "In my defence," Remus muttered as he ambled towards the stairs, "I think this is a wholly bad idea."

  "Whaaatever," James rolled his eyes and smirked at Sirius as Remus ran up the stairs. He stopped at the sixth step and looked back, his face contorted strangely, and then the stairs rumbled and became a slide. Remus hit the floor with an elated grin across his face.

   "Ooh, maybe being gay fucks with the charm," James mused, Remus stuck his tongue out at him.

   "Okay, Sirius!" he clapped him on the back, "Six to beat! Good luck, mate."

   Sirius stared up the steps, wondering, tucking and untucking his hair. After several nudges from James, he jumped three steps in one go. He paused and looked back, then scaled another three. Pause. The stairs quivered a little.  
   He turned around, forcing a smile to mask the anxiety that overtook him without explanation. He saw Remus had his arms folded, frowning, closest to the stairs. He took one step up, and they flattened beneath him. Sirius Black had never been more relieved to fall flat on his face.

 

  Remus sat under the stands, fiddling with his wand, and he stood as Sirius approached, "Hey, Starboy," he leant on the wooden beam and smiled.

   Sirius shook his head, glancing around, "Something weird just happened."

   Remus frowned, standing up straight, "Weird how?"

   Sirius pulled Remus under the stand to sit across from him, "Do you remember in October, when we played a game of who could get furthest up the girls dormitory?"

   "Um..." he furrowed his brow, staring past Sirius, "Yeah."

  "I just got that high because I'm gay, right? They fell for you because you like girls?"

  "Well..." Remus leant back, fiddling with his hair, "Maybe," he shrugged, "I don't know how the enchantment works. I figured it made more sense that they stalled because I'm a bit girl, but fell because I'm mostly boy," he smiled at Sirius apologetically, "I sabotaged yours, I don't know how far you could have gone."

   Sirius stared at Remus, his face clouding with confusion and fear, "I went all the way up today by accident," he whispered.

   Remus leant forward, smiling slightly, "All the way? By accident?"

  "Don't laugh!" Sirius shoved him but he grabbed his arm,

   "I'm not laughing, mate. I'm just-" he searched the grass with his eyes, "Siri, are you a girl?"

   "No!" he screeched, tugging his arm from Remus, "Of course I'm not!" Remus raised an eyebrow, "No, seriously! I'm not..." he lay back in the grass, rubbing his hands into his eyes, "I'm a gay guy. I'm a fucking faggot. That's the only thing that's ever felt right and nobody can take that away from me, Remie."

   "Then how did you get up there?"

  "It was a mistake, clearly!"

  "I think if someone is mostly not a boy-"

  "Oh go fuck yourself, Moony!"

  "Fine. Whatever. See you around," Remus stood and made his way back to the castle.

  Sirius sat up, watching him go and swearing under his breath.

 

  Sirius skipped GSA for the first time since coming out, and instead took to the library, where he sat on an uppermost shelf and tried to focus on a novel. It was useless.

   "Oh yeah, I can get into the girls dormitory still, but I'm genderless," he heard a student below whisper,

    "Huh. For me, it fluctuates," whispered the student beside them, "My gender, that is. I'm always a boy, I think, but some days more than others - On really boy days I can't get up at all, but other days they just shudder a bit or stay still,"

   "I think the enchantment is against boys, not-" the student yelped as Sirius fell at their feet in a mess of books, some of which muttered complaints while others flew away.

   The two students walked away, laughing, as the old librarian came running, red in the face.

   "Look what you've done!"

   "- so glad Remus held that GSA meeting today-"

   "My precious books! What were you even doing up there?"

   "- binding charm is life saver-"

  "Sirius Black! You are permanently banned from this library! Go! _Go!"_ the librarian shoved and prodded Sirius from the library, and threatened to jinx him no less than five times. Sirius kicked the door on the way out.

 

   With nowhere much else to go, he reluctantly returned to the common room, searching for trace of Remus before sitting down to watch the other two marauders play wizard chess.

   After ten minutes silent watching, he slammed the table, causing the pieces to shake their sticks at him, "Peter, you have been deliberating for so long, I think I've died and become a ghost! Isn't it obvious?" He commanded Peter's knight, who responded with a very rude gesture.

   James sighed and patted Sirius' hand, "What are you sulking about this time?"

   Sirius wagged a finger at him, "I'm offended! Offended!" When James and Peter laughed, he slouched back and sighed, "You seen Moony?"

  "Yeah, I spied him chatting up some piece of arse from 6th year. Better watch out, mate," James winked.

   "No, seriously!"

  "Yeah yeah, but not since he went off to GSA. He might still be there,"

  "Did he look... er... upset?"

  James shrugged, "Nah, why? You two got a domestic going on?"

   Sirius prodded a pawn, "Dunno," he mumbled, "I'm going to bed," he stood up, ignoring shouts as he flung the chess pieces across the table, and flounced towards the dormitory stairs - where he paused, then stamped up the boys staircase.

 

 As he lay in bed, watching dust play in the dying light, Sirius felt a strong case of déjà vu; once again, fear of - what? hate? the truth? himself? - had caused him to be cruel, and once again the words of Remus Lupin swam around his head. He should have been at that GSA.

  Without thought, his hands went to his chest, and a pit sunk in his stomach. He sat up and tore at the buttons of his shirt, so tight on his throat, and flung the garment at the wall. He was tempted to set it on fire as he sat there in just a t-shirt, but instead turned to look out the window.

   From there, he saw Remus and - oh fuck - Tony Lovegood strolling from the sycamore that sat in the grounds, their shadows stretching out of sight. Lovegood's hand was on Remus' shoulder. The sinking feeling in Sirius grew stronger. Then, as if by miracle, Remus turned on Lovegood, and seemed to shout at him. He stormed back to the castle, leaving Lovegood in his wake. Sirius smiled, despite himself.

   When he heard footsteps he threw the covers over himself, pretending to be asleep. Remus stood in the doorway, "Padfoot?" Sirius attempted a snore and heard Remus sigh and fall into his own bed.

   He lay awake, back turned to Remus, as the light died and he could hear Remus put away his book as they descended into a blue-tinted silence. And still, Sirius Black could not sleep; he was plagued with anxiety, and thoughts of gender and dresses and - oh lord - how comfortable witch's robes look. This went on for what felt like hours, with Sirius reeling back the second he found himself considering anything, and James and Peter were still downstairs.

  Sirius turned around, hugging the sheets to himself, and sniffed, "Some chess game, huh?" he mumbled.

   Remus lifted his head, "Sirius?"

  "No, Godric Gryffindor's left sock, who'd you think?"

   "Alright, keep your hair on. Yeah, Peter takes-" he was interrupted by Sirius breaking into sobs.

   Sirius sat up, trying to speak but failing. He just sat there and gasped for breath, face burning with mortification.

   "Hey..." Remus spoke in a soft voice, " Muffiatio. Hey, now, Ri..." He took Sirius' hand, and the pressure calmed him enough to dissolve the sobs a bit.

   Remus sat beside him and hugged him close, "Can you tell me what's wrong?"

    "I..." Sirius made a long sniff, "I can't- can't make up my mind," he mumbled.

  "You what? About what?"

  "About..." he began sobbing anew into Remus' shoulder, "Boys and girls and people yet to make up their- their-"

  "Ohhhh..." Remus gently brushed Sirius' hair from his face, tucking it behind his ears for him, "Oh. That's alright, you don't need to."

   "I want to!" Sirius wailed, "I want it to make sense! I want all this to be simple! But it's not! It's so fucking confusing and I- I-"

  "I know, honey, I know..." Remus patted Sirius as they rambled,

   "I'm not a girl!"

   "I believe you."

   "But I'm not a boy!"

   "Yeah."

   "But I am! Kinda..."

   "I understand."

  Sirius sniffed, looking up and grumbling, "'course you do." Remus smiled gently and kissed their cheek. "I just..." they sighed heavily, tearfully, "Wish I was normal, you know? I wish people didn't hate me so- wish my mother-"

  "Your mother's wrong, Padfoot. She's wrong. About everything. We're as normal as them, and if we're not, then being normal is shit."

   "She always hated me, even before all this gay shit - she doesn't even know about that. I don't understand it. It's not fair. She threatened to disown me thrice last summer!"

   "You're like me," Remus shrugged, "And she's, well, a bitch." Sirius snorted with laughter, wiping their eyes and leaning into their boyfriend.

   They both leant back into the bed as Sirius sniffed and still whimpered a little. Remus kept his arm around them, playing with their hair, and the quiet that ensued was safe and warm.

  "I saw you talking to Lovegood today."

  "Oh?"

  "Yeah. You seemed angry. What he say?"

  Remus sighed, "'you're really hot for a girlboy.'"

   Sirius wrapped his arm round Remus' middle, "You're hotter than he could ever be. And a far better kisser."

   "I knew it!" Remus whispered, much to Sirius' amusement, as he began laughing uncontrollably, "I knew it was you were the 'anonymous Gryffindor' he had a fling with!" Soon the room was filled with bark-like laughter.

   Yellow light fell over them as James stood in the doorway. He paused a second, "Nah, mate," he said, then turned around and closed the door.

   The pair began laughing anew, and Sirius kissed Remus.

  
  
  



End file.
